Kissing is
preservative-free and low in saturated fats
By David
Leonhardt
Every now and then a quarrel breaks out
down at the barber shop, lines are drawn,
challenges leveled and, with any luck,
somebody walks out with very few blood stains.
All over a seemingly innocent discussion: What
is the greatest sport ever?
Some say "football". Some say
"baseball". Canadians say
"hockey". The rest of the world says
"soccer". (Actually, they say
"football", too...but they mean
"soccer".
I say: "kissing". Yes, kissing is
the greatest sport ever. Allow me to recount
just a few of the reasons.
Kissing is a very versatile sport. There are
so many kisses – at least one for each
occasion. There is the peck on the cheek kiss,
the peck on each cheek kiss, the peck on your
nephew's cheek kiss while grabbing the other
cheek flab with your hand, the madly
passionate kiss, the kiss on the hand, the
kiss of death, the "Hey you! Kiss
this!", and even the town of Kissimmee
(founded by early Italian pioneer kissers) in
Florida.
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Kissing is easy to
transport. It really doesn't matter where you
are. You can kiss: at the gym, in the
boardroom, in the space shuttle, even in
Alaska from June through September.
Kissing requires very little equipment,
meaning you can do it even when unprepared,
and even when you have to travel light. This
makes it the ideal participation sport for
businessmen, world travelers and hang gliders
Kissing always livens things up. Try this: the
next time you are in a booooring meeting that
seems to last foreeeeever, why not just kiss
somebody. See how it livens things up?
Kissing is legal in all 50 states and most
countries. Rumors are circulating that kissing
will even be legalized soon on Mars, Jupiter
and in Afghanistan.
Kissing is 100% biodegradable, so when you
kiss somebody, you help the environment.
Kissing is safe to do in a moving vehicle, as
long as you are not driving.
Kissing is non toxic...unless you kiss
somebody who has just swallowed a bottle of
Drano. Even so, kissing is still safe, as long
as you do not use your mouth.
Kissing is non-fattening. This is perhaps the
best news of all, because dieters now have
something to keep their mouths busy while not
eating, and smokers can quit smoking without
having to chew candies until they a) need to
diet or b) induce diabetes. (Read the
headline: "Kissing prevents
diabetes")
Kissing is organic, low in sodium,
preservative-free, low in saturated fats and
does not contain dozens of delicious
ingredients that cannot be pronounced, like
javelchromopntheoremicherbicidic acid.
Most kisses are not tested on animals, but who
am I to stifle your sense of adventure?
You can kiss just about everyone: your
boyfriend, your aunt, your wife, your
veterinarian, the Prime Minister of the Duchy
of Grand Fenwick and your pet aardvark. Don't
try kissing them all at the same time,
though...especially not your boyfriend and
your wife.
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Kissing meets the toughest safety regulations
of any national or international sporting
organization. Kissing has a tremendous safety
record, except for the occasional locked
braces. But a quick call for a AAA tow truck
fixes that problem (CAA in Canada, AA in the
UK, the local plumber in France)
The only recorded deaths involving kissing are
by third parties, usually wives, husbands,
spurned lovers and other spectators who
somehow get past security and storm onto the
playing field like that well-dressed gentleman
at the Super bowl.
There we do NOT recommend "extreme
kissing". For instance, don't kiss an
on-duty garbage truck; it is considered
dangerous. Don't kiss a metal fence-post in
sub-zero weather; readers in northern climates
know exactly what I mean. Don't kiss any
electrical outlets, Don't kiss the vacuum
cleaner if you want to retain all your vital
organs. It's OK to kiss sandpaper, just don't
use your tongue. Don't kiss a chainsaw; we
feel this one is self-explanatory. And don't
kiss your office manager while on duty...
But overall, kissing is so great that it makes
baseball, hockey, football and soccer seem
like bush league sports. Next time you hear a
brawl at your local barbershop, just go in and
give everyone a kiss. I guarantee that you
will win the argument hands down. And if not,
at least you will make some new friends to
argue with
ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
David Leonhardt kisses everybody in his good
humor column and his Daily Dose of Happiness
newsletter. Read more of his
articles.
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